我的初衷

最近一直考慮要不要休學直接去當兵或是繼續讀研究所。我就像一個天平一樣左右搖擺不定，一直無法下定決心。我想或許應該思考的問題不是要不要繼續讀研究所，而是未來要打算做什麼工作和想要過怎樣的生活，這樣的問題似乎很難在短時間內就可以決定了，但我思考這樣的問題斷斷續續也有一兩年了，喜歡拖延的我總是認為說時間到了自己就會知道以後想樣做什麼，就好像小時候總以為自己長大後就敢吃青菜一樣，這樣的想法實在是幼稚不成熟的。遲遲不下決定是因為怕下了決定後，要自己負擔接下來的結果。
怕自己休學後，當兵完依然無所適從，漫無目的。怕自己繼續讀下去，寫不出論文畢不了業，如果畢了業也找不到教職。好像兩條路都不好走，也沒有比較好或不好。於是現在的我不想做決定，天真的妄想著不做出決定，就可以什麼結果都不用承擔。

恩... 我想我還沒長大，就像我拒絕做出決定一樣，我還是不願意面對長大後所要承擔的壓力。
希望可以找到我當初喜歡英文和做一件事的初衷和熱情。

Damien Rice--Rootless Tree

Artist: Damien Rice

Album:9

Released: 2006

"Rootless Tree"

What I want from you is empty your head
They say be true, don't stay in your bed
We do what we need to be free
And it leans on me like a rootless tree

What I want from us is empty our minds
We fake the thoughts, and fracture the times
We go blind when we've needed to see
And this leans on me, like a rootless...

Fuck you, fuck you, fuck you
And all we've been through
I said leave it, leave it, leave it
There's nothing in you
And did you hate me, hate me, hate me, hate me so good
That you just let me out, let me out, let me out
Of this hell when you're around
Let me out, let me out, let me out
Hell when you're around
Let me out, let me out, let me out

What I want from this
Is learn to let go
No not of you
Of all that's been told
Killers re-invent and believe
And this leans on me, like a rootless...

Fuck you, fuck you, fuck you
And all we've been through
I said leave it, leave it, leave it
There's nothing in you
And did you hate me, hate me, hate me, hate me so good
That you just let me out, let me out, let me out
Of this hell when you're around
Let me out, let me out, let me out
Of this hell when you're around
Let me out, let me out, let me out
Hell when you're around
Let me out, let me out, let me out
Hell when you're around
Let me out, let me out, let me out, let me out
Let me out, let me out, let me out, let me out
Let me out, let me out, let me out

Fuck you, fuck you, love you
And all we've been through
I said leave it, leave it, leave it
It's nothing in you
And did you hate me, hate me, hate me, hate me so good
That you just let me out, let me out, let me out, let me out
Let me out, let me out, let me out, let me out
Let me out, let me out, let me out, let me out
Let me out, let me out, let me out

Let me out, let me out, let me out
Hell when you're around

Let me out, let me out, let me out
Hell when you're around

Let me out, let me out, let me out
Hell when you're around
(Lyrics from www.azlyrics.com)

----------------------------------------------------------------

Reflection:
Can't remember when I started loving to listen to sad songs such as this. From the "get along " by petshop boys and "Look What Have You Done " by Jet to the "Rootless Tree", each could remind of the days I feel so long ago.
Rootless tree is his second single from his third album, 9. Its chorus impressed me that reads "Fuck you Fuck you, Fuck you , and all we've been through."
At first time,I thought i misunderstood it. Anyway, the smooth rhyme with its depressed lyrics enchanted me as I listen to it.

LOSER--Just Like You

(photo from http://musicmp3.ru/)

Artist: Loser
Album:Just like you

Band Website	losernation.com
Band Members	Joe Grah-vocals, John 5-guitar, Charles Lee-bass, Glendon-Drums
Record Label	Island Def-Jam
Type of Label	Major

(extracted from http://www.myspace.com/loserhq)

Another song plays on and on, a cross the radio,
reminding me of days that feels so long ago
When i was young i had no one to play the part of me,
i learned the hard way how to find myself thats why, I'm here alone.

Its been so long since I've been home i lost a part of me
i had to find myself thats why im here alone, nobody knows
its taking a life time, for me to see, there's no one to blame
nobody but me

Nobody knows, nobody knows whats life in front of me
i have to face the world and live my life alone
nobody knows, nobody knows whats life in front of me
thats why i find myself alone, nobody knows

When i was young i had no one to play the part of me,
i had to find myself, thats why I'm here alone
its been so long since I've been home, i lost a part of me
i had to find myself, thats why I'm here alone, nobody knows
its taking a life time for me to see, there's no one to blame,
nobody but me

Nobody knows, nobody knows whats life in front of me
i have to face the world and live my life alone
nobody knows, nobody knows whats life in front of me
i have to face the world and live my life alone,
nobody knows

Another song plays on and on, a cross the radio,
reminding me, those days are gone

Nobody knows, nobody knows whats life in front of me
i have to face the world and live my life alone
nobody knows, nobody knows whats life in front of me
i have to face the world and live my life alone,
nobody knows, nobody knows

Another song plays on and on, a cross the radio,
reminding me, I'm still alone...
(lyrics from www.lyricsandsongs.com)
_____________________________________________________________
Comment:
It has been a while for me to find such a nice song.
Every time I found my favorite song, I would repeat it again and again until I was tired of it.
And It is thrilling to find such a lyric rock song like before.

有錢人的半邊臉

讀「到怪咖富豪出書只露出半邊臉」一文後，深深認同其作者的觀點。很多富豪名人在自傳中，提到自己的個人特質或是經營理念時，往往"隱惡揚善"甚至言行不一，像是文中提到google創辦人Steve Woziank 在《科技頑童沃茲尼克》一書中描述自己搞發明純粹是為了好玩和自己快樂，卻在書中鄭重地澄清蘋果電腦是他「獨自開發的」而非媒體報導說是他和Seteve Jobs 共同開發的。或是維珍集團創辦人的Richard Branson老是喊著「管它的，去做吧!」，這樣看似直爽麻俐的態度，然而有多少人注意到在私底下他在商場上爾虞我詐的競爭手段，不單單只是一股勁的去做就可以賺進大把鈔票了。
這讓我聯想到自己在通過一門困難的大學必修後，我再回頭去看自己當初是如何拼命死背才勉強及格，會覺得那些痛苦的過程其實沒什麼大不了，當問起我是如何通過的，我總是會輕描淡寫地說就考前稍微努力一下就可以了。又好像說我通過全民英檢中高級後，會覺得中高級其實測不出什麼實力，考前準備一下就可以過關了，卻忘了我當初是考了五次才通過的。或許可以解釋成我對痛苦的記憶總是忘的特別容易，或是喜歡有意無意地吹捧一下自己所以總是刻意地忽略掉以往辛苦付出的代價。或許人都是這樣的吧，並不只是那些有錢的怪咖才會掩藏自己不想提及的一面。差別只在他們是有錢的人而大部分人的只是一般人罷了。